I have now read well over 25 of the facebook notes that ask the poster to name 25 random things about themselves. I find these totally fascinating and have also discovered that in each person’s list I find that there are traits true about myself. My 25 would consist of bits and pieces of other people in my life.
This does not come as a surprise to me, but rather, is an illustration of the fact that people are so universally similar. This is something I have always truly believed and is why I am so fascinated by people. For years I have heard people comment that people do not get mad at me, that I always know lots about people (aka I am creepy), that I am like a train in a conversation etc etc… These facebook postings make me reflect on my total obsession with people. Nothing makes me happier than meeting a new person and finding out everything I potentially can about them. The problem with this though too is that this obsession is a direct response to my total, sincere, insecurity issues (which I am beginning to face hence the fact that I can write about it).
Growing up being so totally uncomfortable and awkward in any type of public setting led me to become very sensitive to other people’s non verbal communication and develop social skills to adapt to all different personality types and very young I observed the fact that there are certain ways to manipulate people into being your friend. I think this is why I was so comfortable being in a theater setting (since it was accepted that everyone was acting and hiding their true identity). These facebook postings once again remind me that growing up the only way I knew how to function was to copy and imitate the actions of others around me.
The point of this post is that I have recently become pretty aware that this is who I have developed into and with that have come to realize that because my “personality” is simply an imitation of people who were/are in my life I do not know how to response emotionally in situations. I try at all cost to make sure people are kept happy or at least content because when I am confronted with anger/sadness I completely freeze. This summer I was told I dont have a soul… this is not true it is just that I have learned how hide my soul underneath layers of artifice in order to be able to deal with the anxiety and social insecurities i am faced with.
The one comfort in this whole thing is the fact that I think that all humans to this exact thing to an extent in order to cope with their own fears and anxieties. Some people choose medication, some choose to hide and not go out into the world, I choose to be a chameleon.
..so yeah…
